Write a letter to the person you feel angry with: yourself, your baby, your spouse, a family member, or even God .
Talk to a close friend or professional about the anger you are feeling.
Find a healthy outlet for your anger such as punching a pillow, intense exercise, yelling or screaming aloud (not at another person) or even running around the block as fast as you can.
Help another person. Use your restless energy to clean someone’s house, mow a lawn or fix a meal for someone in need. Focusing on others is a great way to take your mind off your pain.
- Cry. Many women (and even men) release their anger through tears.
- Confront the source of your anger. If you are angry with a spouse or family member have an honest discussion during a time when you are NOT feeling angry. If needed, ask a close friend or professional to help.
- If you are angry with God or your baby, face an empty chair and have a ‘confrontation,’ expressing your anger.
Something very painful happened in my family this week that resulted in a huge loss. I got the news in the middle of a Birthday party. During a fun celebration of life, I heard that someone had tragically died. Your first instincts when something terrible happens is just to avoid it- don’t think about it, talk about it or face the deep feelings of sorrow that are swirling around just below the surface.
But the truth is, there is no way to avoid feeling the pain of grief. There are not short cuts, no secrets to getting around it- you must feel the pain of grief to move through it. Everyone has heard the saying “No pain, no gain.” This is particularly true when dealing with grief. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and pain of your loss, so you can move on.
Here are some suggestions to help you experience the pain of grief:
- Give yourself permission to grieve, and lean on others when you need too. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions.
- Learn about miscarriage and grief, and read stories about others facing loss. You can visit the local bookstore, library, or even go online. Visit HopeXchange at: http://www.HopeXchange.com and see the list of websites on the Resource page.
- Talk with others facing pregnancy loss, go online, or join a support group. A list of support groups can be found by visiting HopeXchange at: http://www.hopexchange.com/ResourcesLinks.htm and clicking on National Organizations & Support Groups.
- Write! Writing to heal requires no special skill or talent and it is very therapeutic. Simply begin with “I feel…” Keeping a journal or writing daily can lead you through your grief.
Talking with others and writing are both excellent ways to move toward recovery. Putting your feelings into words can validate them and provide a healthy outlet, paving the way for closure and healing.
The above was adapted from an excerpt of the book Hope is Like the Sun.
- Remember that men normally grieve in private- not in public. You may not see outward signs that a man is grieving, but do not be fooled. Understand that a man in grief will find himself in a difficult position- he will be shamed if he expresses deep emotions in public and he will be shamed if he does not.
- Be aware that men often experience anger differently then women during grief. While women may tend to point anger inward, men often direct their anger outward. This can manifest as anger toward you or even God. Remember that expressed anger is a normal and healthy response, however hostile behavior is not.
- Listen. Remember that some men want to talk, but they feel there is no one to listen. A man may also be uncomfortable putting his feelings into words. Encourage him by listening during those times when he does talk about it.
- Ask what you can do. It is very important to ask what you can do to be of service to a man during his grief, and then do your best to meet his needs.
- Keep an open mind. Remember that grief is an individual experience. Assuming that a man is not feeling pain if he grieves differently than you will only cause strife and misunder-standing.
“Man: The most complex of beings, and thus the most dependent of beings. On all that made you up, you depend.”
~ Andre Gide
Father’s Day can stir a mix of emotions after a miscarriage. Fathers and Mothers can be affected by the event – which can be a painful reminder of loss.
Lisa Church is author of “Hope is Like the Sun: Finding Hope and Healing After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death” and founder of HopeXchange, a company dedicated to helping women and their families facing miscarriage.
Holidays and special events are normally a time of joy and celebration, however they can become a painful reminder of your loss. Seeing family members, making decisions, and attending the holiday activities you usually enjoy can take on a different outlook after the loss of a child.
- Can I handle this? Is this something I would enjoy? If so, it could be a good way to lift your spirits.
- What does my spouse think? Will it cause problems if I do not attend?
- Would the holiday or special event be the same if I don’t attend? Deciding not to attend a Christmas play will not take away from the holiday season; however deciding not to attend Thanksgiving dinner will certainly change the Thanksgiving holiday.
In the middle of a challenging and frustrating week, I received the most amazing news. After two very difficult losses that caused a strain on an otherwise heathy marriage, a longtime reader had her miracle baby. I am overwhelmed with joy for this brave mother and father who had the courage to try again, and received the greatest gift – a healthy baby boy.
Completely caught up in the many stresses of my life, I felt a peaceful joy in looking at the pictures of this much-loved new life. I found myself going back to the pictures when I needed a lift because I couldn’t stop myself from grinning ear to ear when I looked at them.
I was reminded that the important things in life are often quiet the ones – not the blaring noises of my unhappy co-workers, my “stacked to the ceiling” laundry room or my overflowing “to-do” list. The pure happiness I felt when I looked at that little baby’s beautiful face is what I need to focus on. Laundry room…you’re out of luck.