Help for the Holidays
Holidays and special events are normally a time of joy and celebration, however they can become a painful reminder of your loss. Seeing family members, making decisions, and attending the holiday activities you usually enjoy can take on a different outlook after the loss of a child.
If you begin feeling sadness during the holidays or a special occasion, think about why you are feeling that way; process those feelings and accept them. It is a perfectly normal reaction to your grief. Taking this step ahead of time may help you to avoid some uncomfortable moments in public.
Should I Go?
Ask yourself if you are ready to attend family gatherings or parties. This will give you the opportunity to let someone know your decision in advance. Knowing that you would have planned to share your new baby at these celebrations could make them difficult and even tearful for you. Give yourself the option to gracefully bow out of the activity. Asking yourself these questions before a special event may help:
- Can I handle this? Is this something I would enjoy? If so, it could be a good way to lift your spirits.
- What does my spouse think? Will it cause problems if I do not attend?
- Would the holiday or special event be the same if I don’t attend? Deciding not to attend a Christmas play will not take away from the holiday season; however deciding not to attend Thanksgiving dinner will certainly change the Thanksgiving holiday.
Thinking through these questions ahead of time can help you arrive at a decision that is right for you, and one that will not negatively impact your spouse or your family.
HopeXchange is pleased to welcome our latest guest poster, Ashley Taylor, who has a unique and helpful point of view. Ashley is the creator of DisabledParents.org. Here, you can find helpful resources for parents facing challenges that come with living with disabilities.
Photo Credit: Pixabay
What to expect when you’re planning on becoming a parent looks different to different people. Perhaps that’s why there’s no super deluxe Instruction Manual available when you make the decision to start a family. A couple managing a disability will include some personal planning than a couple who is planning a family with an infertile partner.
But being disabled doesn’t have to mean parenting is more challenging. Instead, it’s important to remember that your situation just makes parenting independent from the couple sitting next to you in Lamaze class who’s also planning for their first child.
If you or your partner is disabled, use these tips to start your preparation.
- There are resources available. On both the local and national level, there are organizations that are designed to help you. For instance, locally you can rely on the Department of Aging and Adult Services, which helps adults with disabilities and their families maximize self-sufficiency, health, safety and independence. The organization Through The Looking Glass is a nationally recognized center whose mission is researching, training and providing services for families in which a child, parent or grandparent has a disability.
- Carefully consider necessary home modifications. Every new parent should complete a checklist of home modifications before welcoming home their new bundle of joy, but if you’re disabled there may be specific changes you need to make based on your disability. For example, if a parent is blind, you’ll need to label food with Braille labels. Or, a parent with a wheelchair or decreased mobility may need to remove area rugs or wall-to-wall carpet from critical travel areas.
- Become a voracious reader. You can’t over educate yourself when it comes to preparing for a child, so hit the local library or your favorite bookstore to pick up plenty of books. Make sure to read books on how to prepare to be a parent, as well as books on parenting.
- Look for products that will make managing your disability easier. From wheelchair accessible cribs, to adjustable high chairs and Velcro bibs, there are products designed to help in your parenting efforts so be sure to look for things that will make your job easier.
- Understand the importance of self-care. Before you can take care of your newborn child you have to be able to take good care of yourself, and this means whole-body wellness. A comprehensive self-care plan will include adding things to your lifestyle that improve three core elements of wellness: 1) physical health, 2) mental health, and 3) spiritual health.
- Attend some classes. It will be helpful to attend some classes that teach the best prenatal and postnatal care. You can do this and shop at the same time with a visit to Carmel Blue.
- Establish a support group. There may be times when you need an extra hand, and it’s always a good idea to ask for help versus becoming overwhelmed. Before you give birth talk to friends and loved ones about their willingness to help you. Having a strong network in place beforehand will give you a good reliable go to when the time comes (and it will come).
- Have a baby budget. Your budget will change with the birth of a child, so discuss with your spouse beforehand mutual expectations and goals to avoid any money stress issues that may arise. The folks at Quicken Loans recommend these nine critical steps.
- Create a nursery you love. You’ll be spending a lot of time in your baby’s nursery, so make sure it’s cozy and to your taste. A comfy rocker is something you’ll want to be sure to include.
- Let go of perfection. Being a parent requires a great deal of flexibility and self-compassion. You won’t get everything right, all of the time. So instead of being critical of your efforts, recognize that it’s all part of the normal process.
Being a parent is likely one of the biggest choices you’ll make in your life. Raising a child from birth to adulthood takes delicate care, keen understanding, and a lot of love. Being prepared in advance, will make those parts critical parts of the job that much easier.
This is a tough time of year for me. Many years ago I had a miscarriage that began just before Halloween. My baby died; and every year at this time I am reminded. Two years ago on Halloween my best friend had a “routine” surgery that revealed stage 4 cancer. A year later she was gone. These two horrible events had one thing in common for me…grief.
When faced with overwhelming grief, I often find solace at work. While I find the distraction of work to be a blessing, it sometimes wasn’t enough to keep the worry and pain from creeping in. I realized I was going to have to deal with everything that was happening, because trying to hold it all in definitely wasn’t working.
The grief of loss is exactly the same. Sometimes we try to fool ourselves into thinking that we are okay and we quickly move on so we won’t have to feel the pain. Only to find that it is simply hiding, ready to attack later on. Like the “boogey man” who hides in the shadows, grief patiently waits for the right time to strike, and then takes us by surprise.
The more I realized that I wasn’t dealing with my feelings, the more I started to feel them. As difficult as this was, it actually made me feel a little better. At least I wasn’t looking for ways to stuff down my feelings, leaving me in a better place to deal with my swirling emotions. When I started feeling vulnerable, I reached out for help. For me, my help comes from my faith. The more I started to rely on my faith, the better I began to feel. Listening to uplifting music seemed to recharge my battery every morning. I would find myself thinking of the songs throughout the day, helping to replace some of my painful thoughts with positive ones.
We don’t know what the future will hold, but we can stop the “boogey man” of grief from chasing us- by facing him . I’ve realized that I cannot make it through difficult times on my own and I’ve asked for help. Find a rabbi, priest, pastor, support group or close friend you talk too. Don’t be scared by your grief and pain any longer- reach out for the help you need.