Beauty From Ashes: Turning Grief into Gratitude

HopeXchange is proud to welcome guest poster Tricia Moceo. 28. Single mom. 2 years Sober. Tricia works for Recovery Local, a digital marketing company that advocates spreading awareness on the disease of addiction. The company was founded by and staffed with recovering addicts cultivating recovery resources through sharing their own experience, strength, and hope. Find Tricia on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/trici a.moceo

flowers_newGrief has a funny way of creeping in and demolishing everything in its path. January 10, 2013 life, as I knew it, was completely uprooted. My mother had a massive heart attack and unexpectedly passed away. I vividly remember the chaotic events that followed. Instantly I sought out oblivion through any mind/mood altering substance. My remedy of choice was one I danced with for years: opiates. Chasing the dragon, in hopes of avoiding any feelings of grief, I progressively withdrew from the reality that my mom was no longer here. I took on the responsibilities of running our family business, maintaining the household, and taking over the motherly duties left behind by mom. I was incapable of fulfilling my self-induced pressures without the aid of my analgesic. Eventually, I was drowning in full-blown addiction, running from the pain of my mother’s absence.  

Divide. Destroy. Rebuild. From mom’s passing to my newly adapted vices, the dynamics of our family had changed. Grief and trauma became our reprieve. Eventually, my consequences warranted change and I sought help. I left for treatment with the preconceived notion that I was only addressing my substance abuse issues. I convinced myself it was the drugs that led me astray not my inability to process emotions. My father was smart enough to send me to a dual diagnosis facility and it saved my life. I entered treatment broken and rebelling against the vulnerability. Unbeknownst to me, I was surrounded by professionals that refused to allow me to avoid the grief that overcame me. Left with no escapable option, I acted as if until I gratefully accepted change.

I remember sitting in a caseload group and being asked if I ever dealt with the loss of my mother and why I blamed myself. Immediately I was engulfed with anger. The group facilitator intervened and challenged me to write a “goodbye letter” to my mother. I wanted to puke. I trembled at the idea of hashing out ancient resentments and regrets. Most of all, I was most fearful of accepting the permanence of her fate. I journaled every painful and joyous memory I shared with my mother. After writing the letter, addressing past regrets and letting emotions flow from pen to paper, gratitude rushed over me like sweet summer rain. I felt immediate relief and I was given a whole new perspective.

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Upon saying my goodbyes and relieving myself of the bondage of my unsettled resentments, I acquired the ability to put myself in my mother’s shoes. This warranted compassion, understanding, and most importantly grace. I was grateful for the memories I shared with my mother. Even though I couldn’t make peace face to face with my mom, I was able to process my grief through the vulnerable and intimate exercise. I felt like I was finally free, no longer enslaved to the pain that became my identity. As time passes, I miss my mom more every day but my love for her grows stronger. Today, I get the privilege of sharing my anguish and heartache with other women going through similar adversity. My goal is to spread hope and encourage other women to walk through the pain of grief without the aid of any mood/mind altering substance. I value every moment exactly as it is and I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for every person in my life.

If you are struggling with grief, be mindful that there is no cookie cutter way to deal with the overwhelming feelings that follow. Allow yourself to feel every emotion as it ebbs and flows, without judgment. Avoid isolation and reach out for support from people you trust. Grief is all-encompassing but there is hope found in the most unexpected places. Support groups and tapping into family and friends saved my life. If you need advice or just someone to listen, feel free to reach out to me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tricia.moceo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

2 × one =